Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
