Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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