You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
