4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
