I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
