While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
