if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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