im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
