I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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