Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Pants are for mortals
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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