you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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