I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
