So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
