Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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