if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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