i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
