Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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