I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
