This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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