Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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