You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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