kristin has been a bad kristin
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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