I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
