Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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