He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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