Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
