I bet he comes in French.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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