the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
