Your face is a jimmy john
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My bed smells like the plague
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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