"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
