I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
