youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
