I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
