During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
