Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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