I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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