am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You can't just leave with hair like that
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
