If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
