Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
