In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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