I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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