Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
