Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
