btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
that's an acceptable place to lick
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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