My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
