I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
