Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
