How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
