Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I have fence marks all over my body
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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