just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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